Hope Springs: So Watchable

 

Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend about her marriage. She told me she had been married for 20 years but wanted out. I tried to talk her back into her marriage, but she seemed adamant. It was hard to fathom that a marriage that had lasted for 20 years could experience great turmoil and get to the brink of collapse. 

Then I came across this 2012 movie titled "Hope Springs." The film is about a couple, Arnold and Kay Soames. They have been married for 37 years and are now on the brink of collapse. 

 The thing that glues me to the movie is that this couple has been married for 37 years, yet their marriage still faces turmoil, just like newlyweds in their second year. If my friend's 20 years of marriage felt like forever, what about 37 years?

 Plot 

Kay and Arnold are two nesters. Since their youngest child went to college, they have slept in separate rooms. It is over five years since they last made love. Kay is unhappy primarily with this setup, while Arnold feels it is okay. Kay takes her savings and pays for a trip to Maine, where she and Arnold are to attend an intense marriage counseling therapy for a week.

 At the start of the therapy, Arnold does not want to attend the sessions. However, as time passes, he gets stuck in it. The therapy makes significant improvements in their intimate lives. They end up saving their marriage and remarrying. There are vital lessons to learn from this movie. 

Importance of Intimacy in Marriage

During my years of study in a health-related course at the university, I learned that sex was one of the basic needs of humans as adults. A few years into marriage, my father advised me of the importance of sex in keeping a marriage. Now, Hope Springs adds significant weight to this observation. Observing this couple, Arnold and Kay, older adults, probably in their fifties or sixties, and seeing how Kay talks about her desire to have Arnold touch her in one of their early therapy sessions is very moving. One wonders how at such advanced ages, people still desire sex. They do, and the lack of it threatens marriages.

This film reveals that sex is essential not just because it fulfills a person's sexual desire but also shows that one admires and is still attracted to their partner. That feeling of attraction and admiration is what brings couples together and keeps them together. This feeling is mainly expressed through sex. For example, when the therapist, Dr. Feld, asks Arnold if he is still attracted to Kay, Arnold says he is. However, later, when the couple tries to make love in front of the fireplace in a luxury inn, Arnold is not aroused enough to go through with it. Kate realizes that Arnold lied to the therapist. She is no longer attractive to him. She decides to leave to pet-sit for a fellow employee. 

Fortunately, the night before she leaves, Arnold makes passionate love to her. That act saves their marriage. They resume a happy and fulfilling intimate relationship that leads them to remarry. 

Men and Women in Relationships

People may say that the movie advances stereotypes about men and women in relationships, but that is the reality of how most men and women are in relationships. Like most men, Arnold is a closed person in this relationship, while Kay is open, like most women. Arnold is okay with the present setup of the marriage. He does not understand why Kay feels a problem with their marriage. He thinks Kay is exaggerating their situation. It is like Kay is petty to him. This attitude later makes Kay tell him that he is a bully.

Arnold goes on a trip to Maine to please his wife and not to solve anything. During therapy sessions, he is unwilling to open up. One notices that Arnold only responds to questions after Kay does. There is a time when he even tells Dr. Feld that he cannot discuss his sex life with a stranger. His unwillingness and inability to talk about issues Kay deems crucial make him appear uncaring and disrespectful towards his wife. There are times when Kay cries because of this. 

On the other hand, Kay is open and willing to talk about anything concerning their relationship. She answers Dr. Feld's questions with ease. After storming out of a session when she feels suffocated by Arnold's bullish attitude, Kay goes to a bar where she informs the bar attendant that she has not had sex for long. One notices how Kay is open to discussing her relationship issues with anyone. She is seeking help anywhere she can get. 

Importance of Third Parties in Marriages 

Most importantly, HopeSprings elaborates on the importance of visiting counselors to help solve relationship problems. This movie shows how couples find it hard to discuss vital issues in marriages that can only be eased with third parties. For example, rarely do people talk about sex and sexual fantasies. In the film, we see Dr. Feld filling this gap in communication by taking this couple through a discussion of sex life and sexual fantasies. We learn that Arnold has had some essential fantasies that he wished Kay would help him achieve. If he were to tell Kay about these fantasies earlier, probably their relationship would have been different and better. Dr. Feld is crucial in helping this older couple solve their marriage problems. He gets them talking about what they love and hate about each other. Dr. Feld helps them pull closer to each other. He helps them save their marriage.

Conclusion

This movie is a perfect illustration of the problems couples face. It shows how men, at times, are usually distant and okay with unfulfilling relationships. It encourages women to pull men closer and not give up on seeking solutions to their unpleasant relationships, as Kay did. It also informs men not to trivialize their partners' issues, as Arnold did to Kay. It encourages them to spare time and discuss every item their partners present. It encourages men to be open and not have a fixed mindset about issues. Couples should save time and watch Hope Springs. I am recommending this movie to my friend I mentioned earlier.

"Xenophobia" in "South Africa", Really?

Mahatma Gandhi once said that the only language the poor people understand is bread and butter. He was right with this observation. Poverty limits people’s thinking and endurance and makes them susceptible to manipulation and misguidance. That is why the African continent remains colonized even today. We are peasants. Imperialists know this fact and use it to make us eat our people. They know that the only language we understand is bread and butter.
A few years ago, colonialists conquered our lands and stirred divisions among us. They separated relatives and friends. They created boundaries in a continent that people traversed with ease. That's why a Luo in Kenya calls himself a Kenyan while a Luo in Uganda calls himself a Ugandan. A Tutsi in Burundi calls himself Burundian, while a Tutsi in Rwanda calls himself Rwandese. There are Zulus and other similar tribes spread across southern Africa, yet they call themselves South Africans, Zambians, Zimbabweans, Malawians and much more. Unfortunately, the poor African man has “proudly” assumed the identity given to him by the white man. It makes him reject and even kill a fellow brother because he is poor.
A few years back, there were tribal clashes in Kenya after the elections. I remember having a conversation with a “Ugandan” friend. I told her that I was not Kenyan. All I know is that I am a Luo. She seemed surprised by that claim. She did understand what I was telling her by the end of our conversation. It was as simple as this, the nations we are “proud” to relate to are creations of the white men during their scramble and partition of Africa. We only owe our affiliations and loyalties to our tribes.
The Luo people spread throughout Ethiopia, Sudan, Kenya, Uganda, Tanzania, and Congo. Why did colonialists see it fit to divide this group into different countries? Divide and rule it is. A concept that the African man fails to grasp even today because of poverty.
Look at how the people of Hong Kong are embarrassing China. See how "South Africans" upset Africa—an African calling a fellow brother an alien. Poverty is the cause of all this madness. It has blinded them so they cannot see they are related to the Africans they chase away or kill. It would be understandable If a Kikuyu called a Kisii an alien (even though I do not support it). There are deep and credible foundations for being a Kikuyu or a Kisii. However, a South African driving a Nigerian out of the country is utterly incomprehensible. What is the foundation for the terms South African, Kenyan, Nigerian, Congolese, or Rwandese, besides the Berlin conference, identities that Africans proudly assume, yet they are not free in their so-called nations? Colonialists hold South Africa captive and drive "South Africans" to the edges of poverty, which makes them see true brothers as aliens.

Poverty is a dangerous thing. It has made "South Africans" lose hope of reclaiming their ancestral lands. Now, they have enmity with their brothers, who move to their "country" to fend for themselves. Colonialists left “South Africans” neither land to cultivate nor food to eat. When fellow Africans move next door and succeed in making ends meet in their oppressed "county," “South Africans” see them as the enemy.
Colonialists have even coined the term “alien” for “South Africans” when referring to fellow brothers. The imperial media call these heinous crimes against brothers “xenophobic attacks.”
The term “xenophobia” makes these atrocities appear light and almost insignificant. It drives further division among Africans by suggesting that a “South African” differs from a “Nigerian.” “Xenophobia” lightens this crime to a nearly normal and acceptable event. It makes these crimes appear like “South Africans” are fighting foreign invaders.
I wish “South Africans” could see and understand how brothers stood solidly with them during the apartheid. They would not dare lift a finger against a brother. But who can blame them for their myopia? Centuries of colonialism, apartheid, and imperialism can turn any sharp eye blind using poverty. Let's pray that they see.

A Letter to My Brothers

Dear brothers,

When you read this letter, I am already in Addis Ababa. Do not worry about me. I am fine and settling down well. I am in a new, focused country with an energetic leader who dares even the Pharaohs over the Nile waters. I am already in the arms of my empathetic lover, Edel, and her beautiful daughter, Beli, eager and ready to start a new life. I am in the country of Menelik II, the most outstanding African emperor who defeated the feared dictator and fascist Mussolini and his Italian armies on our sacred African soil at Adowa. I am in the nation of Gabrielle Selassie, the long-distance track legend. I am in the land of Ras Tafari MacKinnon, the prince and founder of the Ras Tafari religion. Being here reminds me of reggae music; that line, "the system does not cater for me." That is why I have left you, my dear brothers. That is why I have left my beloved daughter Emily back home. I cannot say that about her mother. She deserves my abandonment. It is good I have left her. Otherwise, living with her another second would have killed me.
Brother Manga, it is only you who can understand me. You have lived with these young women of this age. You have seen how torturous it is. You have experienced it all, from them throwing the little hard-earned money you give at your face to the enormous insults projected at you. How does a man bear that? How does a grown-ass man watch and tolerate his ego brought down among neighbours and strangers? I now understand why Kevin beat sister Clare that much. I now know why he had this colossal bat stored under the bed for his wife. People say words don't break bones. But they forget that they break hearts and spirits. You went through this torture Manga and came out alive. I respect you for that. Perhaps, I should also thank the weed you took to kill the stresses women give. I am sorry that Velma turned you, our innocent brother, into a drug abuser.
I know our father is blaming me for my bold move. He thinks of nothing other than his sons getting married and maintaining those relationships. He believes that since he has handled our stubborn mother over the last forty years, we should also have the calmness and tolerance to stay with our mean wives. He told me I should not abandon Tesa because finding a good woman is hard. He stressed that there is no good woman and advised that I should not leave Tesa because it would lead to having multiple women in my life. I am sorry to disappoint him. I have to take my chances and seek the best life possible. The good thing about father is that he is light-hearted. He will soon accept what I have done.
Mother never liked Tesa. However, she is unpredictable. It is hard to say whether she will be happy or sad about my move. I wonder if she will keep staying with Tesa. I am sure she will not be pleased with me being far away from her. She has never liked it when we move out. Do you recall how she quickly brought Manga home when he moved to Migosi? She never likes it when we go for those interviews that promise to take us to the big cities far away from her. I wonder if she knows we are too old to live around her. She may like the idea of me leaving Tesa but not leaving the family. She has got us deeply rooted in her.
Mother hates Tesa's overambition. She hates her desire for the high life, yet she is unwilling to work for it. Recently, she told Dreda that Tesa's frustrations had reversed my development. I am becoming more childish and sluggish. The vibrancy of my youth has ebbed away. I have become like Njoroge, who Ngugi wa Thiong'o describes as an "old young man." Mother knows it. She understands it. She knows how a wife can turn a husband's heaven into hell. Probably, she did the same to our father. You can see how quiet of a man he is. Her daughters do the same to their husbands too. Now, Tesa was there, frustrating me.
Remember, I told you we could not judge Davy for marrying another wife. You can recall how sister Celine used to thrash him. At one time, Celine told us how she climbed on his back and stabbed him there severally with a scissor. Do not forget how she vandalized his car and beat him black and blue one morning. The poor guy collected himself amidst all that shame and reported the incident to the police. I can imagine the embarrassment and derailment he faced from your incompetent officers. Who knows what more action-drama our brother-in-law faces under Celine's domination?
Have you ever wondered how hard he finds discussing such matters with us? What avenues of help have men who suffer physical and mental abuse in marriages got? Society expects us to stay strong and suffer quietly. The laws and traditions are against us. Probably, that is the reason most men die first in marriages.

People often wonder why a good Christian like Mistari turned bad after marrying Akothe. Mother usually praised his powerful prayers. Mistari no longer attends church. All he does is smoke bhang and drink. That is what happens to a man who marries a trophy wife. Her work is only to squander and bankrupt you when you work hard. Mistari gave Akothe the comfortable life that few people in your country live. He rented a posh house in the high-end side of Murang'a town and took his children to the best academies. He even started a bakery with his brothers and cousins. Unfortunately, Akothe frustrated and chased his brothers away, claiming they were dirty. The bakery business stopped as she kept spending Mistari's dime purchasing designer clothes and expensive shoes. When Dreda and I visited her place, she never wanted us there. She had the nerve to tell us that since she had sent Mistari's brothers away, we, too, should leave. Now that poor Mistari is broke, Akothe calls our mother and father, crying as she narrates Mistari's irresponsibility. What a devil!
We do not know what made Ronny run away. People say he met a sugar mommy and decided to live with her in Mombasa. All they see is sister Sarah and her little daughter. Nobody bothers to ask what motivated Ronny to take such an unexpected move. I have never judged Ronny. I will not judge him today. I will wait until I hear his side of the story.
These quick and wrongful condemnations of men are leading to the rising rates of suicide among married men in your country. This unjustified expectation that we should absorb an immense amount of pressure from women without a word or a sigh is driving us to the gutters. I won't fall for it. That's why I left you all to start a new life.
You all know that Tesa has been a pain in my ass. I have told and hinted at that to you on several occasions. You must have noticed how I have withdrawn from you lately. That's because she never likes it when I talk to you. She claims that sitting with you people makes me less ambitious and lose focus. Some nights, I have to go without supper as punishment for spending time with my brothers. I can't take this anymore. Why does she have to do this to me, yet I let her roam around and spend time with those useless women who only sit around and say vile things about other people? Since she started spending time with them, she has turned into a negative, insatiable hyena. She wants more and more.
I have never come across anybody so insecure as her. I can neither talk to nor have any woman as a friend. Her insecurities made me delete my social media account. She snoops around my phone like a dog, searching for a bone. I was even surprised that she knew my phone's password. That makes her feel like the most intelligent person in the world. She read my messages and replied to them disgracefully. Then she claims that I shame her. She does not know the love and respect I had for her.
Brothers, you know I am always indoors nearly twenty-four hours a day. I only leave to dump our daughter's poop and pee in the lavatory or to have a small chat with you. When do I get to cheat? Tesa had imprisoned me.
Do you know that she stopped Derrick from visiting me? My bosom friend from childhood. We went to the same high school and college and did the same course. She claims Derrick corrupts me. Tesa made me live a secluded life. She neither loves you nor my friends. I could not take it anymore. According to her, nobody is right for me. I fear she might lock me up and kill me someday.
She gives me no privacy. Indeed, everyone deserves some bit of privacy; partners included. When you look for dirt, you will always find it. She read messages from my friend, Pats and became wild. She assaulted me. I had to defend myself. In this age, who understands a man who protects himself from a feline attack? People only see the bruises I gave her. They forget about my finger that she almost ripped apart.
Do you recall when I was playing wrestling with her, and I almost choked her to death accidentally? The nurses declared I was guilty of her condition and that I did choke her intentionally. They pressured her to press charges against me. She did not. But that has been her leeway to blackmail me. I promised not to touch her again. However, my retrieval made her more dominant as she pressed me into her small corner.
Last week, I had to rise again. I had to face my fears and undress this timidity that covered me. When Tesa lashed at me like a hungry lioness, I had to give her a beating that she would never forget. I am not proud of what I did. I wouldn't say I like fights, and this is not the life I wanted.
When I was young, I believed those men who beat their wives were devils in men's form until I found myself doing the same. Tesa provoked me. She attacked me ferociously. It was my life and health at stake. I had to respond. That's why I keep saying, "if you don't know the story, do not judge the book." I left since I didn't want to continue living that violent life. I hope you all understand.
Sincerely,
Moremore.